This post is inspired by an article titled “In Case of Emergency, Open File” by a fellow blogger named “stilllearning2be”. She points out that in times of actual crises, the human mind may become muddled. She encourages her readers to formulate a carefully structured plan in advance to deal with such moments of indecisiveness during critical times.
Thus I shall outline my plan for the most plausible and inevitable disaster that we will surely face in the very near future: a zombie apocalypse! Let’s first establish that this is happening folks. The people over at cracked.com outlines just how prevalent this issue is. In an article titled “5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen”, the cracked team scientifically assures us this looming threat is super cereal. I’ll give you one example of humanity’s undead fate.
Brain parasites: There is a parasitic protozoan known as Toxoplasma gondii. This lovely creature has already infected nearly a third of the earth’s population. It is a versatile parasite that can call nearly all warm-blooded creatures home. Now the interesting aspect of T. gondii is their ability to manipulate the behavior of their hosts.
Although they can inhabit any host, they need a cat’s intestine to reproduce. So how do our parasitic friends accomplish this? For now, they infect rats and begin manipulating their host’s behaviors. They force the rats to expose themselves to cats (that sounds weird). After the initial blushing and awkwardness, these poor rats are promptly eaten and the T. gondii get their warm cat intestines to breed in.
Extrapolate this scenario. As the evolution of these parasites advance, it is feasible that they begin manipulating human behavior as well. Imagine a world where human beings wander the planet in search of adorable cats to feed themselves to. I’m sure those cocky felines would be more than happy to oblige us.
But wait, there’s more! (r.i.p. Billy Mays), imagine what these guys would do when they gain the ability to breed in our intestines as well. That’s right…cannibalism at its best. We would roam the earth with a hunger for human flesh. But wait, there’s more! Do you know what caused mad cow disease to spread in the first place? That’s right, cannibalism. Farmers began feeding cows morsels of their fallen companions. More officially known as Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, this type of neurological degenerative disorder is not just limited to cows.
Humans have their own version of this disease. Caused by a prion found in humans, a monster named kuru emerges from our friends in Papua New Guinea. How is this disease spread? You guessed it, cannibalism. An interesting symptom of this disease is pathological bursts of laughter. Now combine the Toxoplasma gondii’s manipulation with our own mad cow disease. Imagine human beings eating each others flesh and intestines while laughing uncontrollably. This is just ONE in a whole spectrum of possibilities that marks our demise.
But don’t lose hope just yet. As a leader in the field of zombieology, I have constructed a comprehensive step-by-step survivor’s guide to ensure your survival and continued quality of life.
Step 1: Preemptive measures are key to surviving any catastrophic event. I recommend investing in a good sword. It is unfortunate, but history has taught us that bullets should be used with precision and frugality. You can’t just run around emptying clips into everyone. In his quest to create a world of flawless people, did you know Adolf Hitler killed off the mentally disabled? But metals were precious to the Third Reich (seeing as they were in the middle of war) and they needed to use bullets sparingly. This deutsche bag would lure mental patients (under the guise of a harmless shower) and execute them with carbon monoxide gas through the vents. This method would later be used to exterminate the Jewish people. Anyway, invest in a good sword. I recommend a Japanese katana. You should also go to the DMV and earn a Commercial Drivers License in your state (CDL). Also train yourself in firearms, kendo, archery, and stamina. Invest in a large truck with 4×4 capabilities and a large camper. Keep some toilet paper in there for now. Oh and learn how to drive big boats as well.
Step 2: When the time does come, it is imperative that you move quickly. Decapitate all zombies in sight with your trusty sword and arm everyone close to you that you wish to preserve in your post-apocalyptic life. Your immediate inclination may be to pick up your loved ones that are further away, but you must exercise patience and trust in them for now. Call them and ensure their safety. Grab your truck and head to your local arms dealer first. Arm yourselves to the teeth with guns, knives, bullets, bows (stealth will be needed at times), batteries, and walkie talkies. The next stop is the water store. Do NOT go to a grocery store. Your enemies are not limited to zombies. If movies and life experience has taught us anything, our greatest enemy will always be fellow man. Grocery stores will be brimming with people and zombies alike. Find a quiet water store and clear it of any dangers. From there, fill all the jugs they have with fresh water and load it into your truck. Food is not a priority at this point. Human beings can go months without it. If you’re fat like me, you can go even longer. Grab whatever Mexican snacks they have at the water store for now.
Step 3: Now comes the part of gathering up all your loved ones. Drive that truck and pick up your family and friends (not your entire Facebook list). Refuel and grab more vehicles when the opportunity arises. You will be moving together as a caravan. It is important that you do not pick up any other survivors. I’m sorry to say it, but the risks outweigh the benefits. Your supplies must last you, you must be able to trust the people around you completely, and you need enough room to fit everyone that you wish to save. Harden your heart and run them over if needed. This journey may take months, so lock yourself in for the long haul and be alert at all times. Take that truck off the main road as necessary to get to your destinations. Draw your guns on any outsider that may approach you and shoot them if they refuse to leave. If your instincts tell you that they may be part of a larger group, shoot them anyway just in case. Pity and hesitation may cost you the lives of both yourselves and the ones you cherish. You can stop and grab snacks whenever you come across them safely.
Step 4: Now you have everyone you need. It’s time to settle down. But where do you go? To the sea of course! Set sail for the big blue and find yourself a cruise ship (preferably Disney). This will be your new home from now on. Zombies can’t swim and humans will have much more difficulty raiding you on water than on land. Meticulously clear the entire ship of any zombies and people that may be around and make yourselves at home. Take the ship a bit offshore and set anchor. Tie smaller boats to it for supply runs. From here on out, it’s smooth sailing. Kill any outsider that attempts to approach the boat (unless someone finds them super attractive). Load up on sniper rifles, fishing equipment, medicine, cannons, and whatever else your heart desires. This is where you establish a new society. Scout for people whenever you go out on your supply runs. You will need doctors, engineers, mechanics, supermodels, peace officers…etc. Shoot all politicians on sight. They will eventually usurp the new order, for their dehydrated souls can only be quenched by control, condescension, and pretension. They’re ultimately useless people (especially in Christopia). It is time to begin your life anew. Good luck!