I Have No Friends

How come I don’t have any friends? At the time of this writing, I have no idea. But that really is the therapeutic and magical quality that the written word has for me. I am confident that by the time this posting is complete, I will have found a definitive answer. I have vaguely pondered this in the past before. I have some abstract and hazy explanations for my lack of interpersonal relationships. Let’s just keep writing and see where this goes.

Let’s build some momentum first by defining what a friendship is. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines “friend” as: “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations”.

Okay fair enough. So my family is exempt and the unfortunate few that have heroically let me sweat on their breasts are disqualified. I’m still not really getting any bursts of insight.

Okay let’s add my own definition of friend: “A friend is someone that accepts (however begrudgingly) all you stand for and consciously makes the decision to be a constant part of your life till death do you part. A friend is someone who will drop whatever they are doing to come pick you up two states over regardless of the dumb circumstances that stranded you there in the first place”.

How many friends do you guys have by my definition? Actually writing it down makes me realize that I truly have none. Now that I think about it, I don’t even really have any friends by the official definition either. You know how many “friends” I have on my Facebook page as of this moment? One!

So let’s get back to the question of why this might be. Why does Chris suck so much? Well I don’t have time to write a dissertation or anything so let’s start with the reasons why Chris DOESN’T suck. For starters, I think I’m a pretty charming guy. Although it is rare that you will ever see me at any social event, there are times when the sloth comes down from his perch and explores his surroundings (usually to poop). During such times, I find that people generally do seem to initially like me. I come off as kind, respectful, independent, intelligent, confident, and even funny (in a fat people running kind of way).

Maybe there is something that happens between the time of contact and the end of the 30 day trial that becomes a deal breaker. Let me explore this a bit further.

I’m going to pin one of these possible hindrances on social networking. I mentioned Facebook earlier so let’s start there. There have been numerous instances of people seeming to feel a little daunted from my comments on their Facebook posts.

For example, if someone posts a picture of food…whoa okay let me backtrack a bit and rant for a second. Why the fuck do you guys post pictures of every meal you eat all over every social networking app that you have?

Is it some kind of weird, virtual art competition of who can provide the most visually appealing picture of food?

Are you some thoughtless drone that truly believes that what you are currently eating is the most interesting aspect of your character?

Are you a poor waitress that has a tyrant of a boss that makes you take pictures of food and post it to your websites as an advertisement venture?

Are you on some intense starvation diet where you snap pictures of fully prepared meals to scratch and sniff later?

Are you so poor that eating a pizza is a time for celebration and revelry?

Are you a struggling chef hoping to get your dishes noticed by a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of Gordon Ramsay?

Are you some skinny person trying to score your way into a group of cool fat people?

Do you secretly wish that everyone in the world was overweight except you and this is part of some evil plot to trigger society’s gluttony?

Do you have really big boobs and you just love the way they look hovering over a bowl of soup?

Were you abducted by aliens and told that the only way they will spare your planet is to take a picture of every dish that mankind has ever invented and post it “on the line”?

Did your phone threaten to zoom out and upload every selfie of your penis you have ever taken unless it is fed virtual images of food?

Are you on an atrocious diet of Eggo waffles wrapped around sticks of butter and this is your way of convincing people that you’re a normal person?

This post really arrived at a place I wasn’t expecting.