WARNING: this post will roam a deep and slippery path. This glistening swamp is engorged with TMI and your very own Chris will be penetrating you from the bush with magnums. Your throbbing wound will gush onto the floor as you gasp and crawl your way to the end. There you will quiver as the biggest explosion of all erupts you into nothingness. Come with me…down this dripping road of depravity at your own discretion. Rated M for mature.

This post is about sex. I will be talking about my personal likes and dislikes. I should warn you in advance that I’m a blunt and vulgar guy. This post, along with pretty much all my writing, will be devoid of tact and class. But this is my diary and I plan to make the ghosts of trees weep in anguish at their wasted sacrifice.

If you know me in real life, this must feel kind of like a warped Pandora’s box. I implore you to leave it closed or our next meal together will be eaten with no eye contact.

Let’s start with the things I don’t like about sex (I kno right?).

I have a seething hatred for condoms. I fucking hate every single aspect of condoms. As you might have derived from the first paragraph, I use Magnums from Trojan. As much as I would like to indulge in a bit of narcissism, this isn’t necessarily because I’m large.

I’m of an average length (around 6 inches). When the planets align perfectly and the groundhog emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, I might be able to stretch that to a 7. Whatever the case, my length will leave no woman in awe. However, I think my girth is slightly (we’re talking millimeters) thicker than the norm. From my experience, other brands of condoms, such as Lifestyles, cause me a lot of pain at the base of my penis.

Omg have you guys ever tried those condoms they sell at the 99 cents stores? Trying to slide those down is a mild form of torture. Anyway, finding the perfect fit can be a pain in the ass.

Another reason I hate condoms is the pricing. I’m notoriously frugal and spending money on something disposable aggravates me to no end (I’ve even tried reusing them before). At Walmart, you can score a 36 pack for around $15. However, if it is an emergency and there are no Walmarts close by, you are often stuck going to the local CVS pharmacy (after weighing out the gas expenditures vs savings). Here, you get the lovely experience of dishing out about $25 for the same product.

A more obvious reason I hate condoms is the desensitization of EVERYTHING. When you’re having sex with a girl, the pleasure is not limited to the kinetic friction from thrusting and pulling. That intense heat you feel from her pussy as you slowly slide into her at the beginning. That feeling of pushing in as far as you can go and pivoting your hips to bend inside her. The pleasure (or pain) of ramming against her cervix and hearing her yelp in pain. The changes in lubrication and friction as the girl’s release of fluids varies minute by minute. Condoms numb out the intensity of all of these amazing sensations.

One last thing about condoms: don’t ever let a girl put it on you. Their nails, as beautiful as they are, can be sharp enough to make a small incision on the latex somewhere. This invisible threat is impossible to detect until it snaps inside her. Sometimes, the feeling of the condom breaking and the sudden intensity of fucking her without any protection can make you cum instantly (which leaves you both literally and metaphorically fucked).

Okay now let’s get to some of the things I love about sex. I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to begin. For the sake of managing length and maintaining my personal flair, I’ll limit the subject matter to the twisted things I personally enjoy.

In a word, I am a sadist. I’ve always had a lot of trouble “making love”. Although I do enjoy it at times, I generally like fucking a girl like it’s a cage match between me and her. I’m usually a really mild-mannered and mellow guy. I’m also respectful of women and was brought up with chivalrous ideals. In fact, I’m a borderline feminist that supports any and all manifestations of empowerment. But for some reason, my primal instincts tend to man the helm when it comes to sex. I like taking full control and degrading her as much as humanly possible.

I love slapping her face and every inch of her body as her pretty eyes well up with tears.

I love grabbing her breasts as hard as I can and use them as a means of propulsion to thrust myself in and out of her even harder.

I love forcing myself deep into her throat and feeling her gag on the head of my dick.

I love calling her a “bitch”, “slut”, “whore”, and verbally degrading her in any way I can.

I love wrapping one of my hands around her neck and squeezing while she dances in that twilight between death and orgasm.

I love when she screams “fuck me daddy” repeatedly as I cum inside her.

I love watching her crawl around on the floor (I’ve always wanted to fuck a girl while she scrubs a toilet).

I guess I am kind of the Christian Grey type (without the looks, money, class, and weird paraphernalia). But my sexual perversions extend beyond simple sadism.

For example, the idea of a threesome with two women have never appealed to me. If anything, it sounds tiresome and awkward. But I’ve always loved the idea of a girl getting fucked by multiple guys at once. I like imagining her bent over on her knees and sucking a dick on one end and getting fucked in the other. In fact, adding more guys makes it even more appealing to me. She still has two hands and an ass that can be filled. I guess I’m saying that I like fantasizing about girls getting gang banged (no homo I swear). I have no idea how I would react in such a scenario in actuality though. I feel I’d either be on board or start swinging at everyone in a jealous rage.

A long time ago (I can’t recall when or where), I read a story about a particular mansion that existed in the 1970’s or 60’s. A group of hippies pooled their savings and put a down payment on this house. Their objective? To pack it full of hippies and have a sexual free-for-all with all of its residents. Imagine a substantially large mansion full of naked men and women fucking each other everywhere you look: on the floor, in the bathrooms, on the kitchen tops, on the couch, on the porch, behind the water heater, in the dog house…everywhere.  Despite the cultist vibe I got from the article, it still struck me as an appealing scene.

There are one or two other things that I’m into, but I’d better not criminalize myself here. There are definitely a ton of emotional aspects to my sexuality too but…meh that shit’s no fun 😛