Fuck Dogs

I used to love dogs. They are loyal, kind, affectionate, intelligent, help blind people get around, and they even have practical uses as security guards and fire alarms.

But there is a much darker side to man’s best friend. They are harbingers of sadness and guilt.

Let’s say you’re in the backyard tossing a ball to good ol’ Rosie. You two are having a great time running around and growling at each other. You suddenly realize you’re late. You throw the ball one last time and tell her goodbye. Rosie chases the ball down and runs back to you.

She gives you the saddest and most pathetic look you’ve ever seen in your life. As if that wasn’t enough, she even adds the little auditory accompaniment of her whines and whimpers. As a final blow to your already guilt-ridden mind, she buries her face between her paws. Her tail, once vibrant with life, is now dead, devoid of hope.

Now the entire time that you’re out (volunteering at the homeless shelter), you’re stuck there worrying about her.

You picture her dutifully sitting next to the front door. She hears a sound and looks up with hope in her eyes. But it is not you. It is your neighbor Alice, hopelessly sobbing because her husband has cheated on her again.

Listening to the sounds of sorrow coming deep from Alice’s chest, Rosie gives up hope of you ever returning. She was so stupid. How could she have thought that someone like you could ever love her? She sadly walks up the stairs and nuzzles her way into your room. She crawls onto your bed and buries her face in your pillow. You smell so good…she’d give anything to take in your warm scent one last time.

There is a knife on the night stand. A memory suddenly flashes into Rosie’s mind. She remember the time you took her camping when she was just a puppy. She had been overwhelmed by her tingling senses.

She remembers hearing the symphony of twittering birds, the rustling of leaves from the trees, the sound of your laughter as she ran to and fro. She remembers the smells…Oh the smells! The light breeze carrying all the scents of the forest right to her curious nose. The rich smell of life oozing from the moist soil under her frantic paws.

But even better than all these things…was you. She remembers sniffing a bush and a strange bug poking her in the nose. Yelping in pain and fear, she had run to you with all her might. You picked her up and cradled her in your warm chest until she felt safe again. She remembers the way you sat next to each other in contemplative silence as you waited for a fish to bite. She remembers wondering why you had such a grim look of determination on your face.

She wakes from her memories and realizes those happy days are now over. She wonders why you left her. Was it because she chewed up your favorite slippers while you were sleeping? Or maybe it was because she just wasn’t smart enough to understand all the tricks that you wanted her to do. She was a bad dog.

But you were her happiness. She sadly picks up the knife from the stand and grips it firmly in her teeth. She holds it against her paw and pulls. She lays her head on your pillow once more. She thinks her pooling blood is so warm. She closes her eyes and remembers how warm your hug was all those years ago. As she slowly drifts out of consciousness she thinks…maybe if she had caught that ball, you would still love her.

Fucking dogs I swear.